X-Files And Hiking

Next time you are thinking about going hiking, consider the following:

1.) You can't trust your maps. Hiking trails exist in a separate type of dimension where time and space is in a constant state of flux. Unless your map is a real-time satellite uplink out of NORAD, the trail you are checking out could have been damaged in a flood, bombed by terrorists, or straight up eaten by bears.

2.) You can't trust rangers. Honestly who are these guys? They have trucks painted a nice green color, yes. They do things right? They hike the trails and maintain stuff right? NEIN! They hear rumors about the second half of the trail getting washed out and then as you finally emerge from the jungle brush two days later, have the nerve to ask you if the trail is still messed up. As if the trail is made out of self-repairing automata nano-bots. He's sure someone will get down there and nail some trail markers up, but right now he's too busy "keepin out the riffraff."

3.) You can't trust those stupid little stacks of rocks that "mark" the trail. You know who makes those things? Hikers who got lost just like you and while one of them hiked to the ridgeline to see where in the purple mountain majesty they were exactly, the other found nothing else to do than stack some rocks up. On my return trip I knock all of those things over. That's right. I'm M. Badass.

4.) You can only trust yourself. And then, only sometimes. Answer this question: are you a jackass? If yes, then you probably aren't up for the job of ensuring your own safety. Hire some mercenaries.

All I want to do is swim in a lazy river that is 60% as cold as a snowmelt stream. Which I did and it was super!